Welcome to the blog. As always, I am glad you stopped by today. The week, so far, has been a bit heavy and I have not been able to exactly put my finger on why; however, when I was considering posts for today (and/or Friday), I remembered that Mother’s Day is approaching. Could that be the cause of my soggy attitude? Not sure but it is a fact that I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with this weekend’s upcoming special day. (Sigh).
Maybe I am not the only one. And, considering that, I had some thoughts to share but then realized much of what I would share, well, I have shared before. So, today’s post is a repost. A second sharing of some encouragement for anyone who might struggle with Mother’s Day. There are a myriad of reasons that Sunday might be hard for someone but, if you are one of them, I hope this resharing of my heart will be a help. Even if just a little bit.
Originially shared several years ago….
I am surprised how much I tend to struggle with this holiday. Not exactly sure I would call it a holiday – but, this special day. There are so many emotions, memories and relationship nuances that spill into any potential celebration of a day specifically for mothers.
For me, of course, the absence of my youngest son is always extra heavy on my heart at Mother’s Day. The relationship I had with my own mom also comes to mind – bringing both sweet memories but some that are emotionally draining as well. There are current relationships that are also difficult. As blessed and grateful as I am to be a mother, Sunday can quickly become a day I want to rush through and move on to Monday! And, as I talk to others, I know I am not alone. It can be a difficult day for many. For lots of different reasons.
If you are one of those moms (or simply celebrating your own mom), I have three simple thoughts or suggestions as you decide how to approach Mother’s Day. They coming primarily from a grieving mother’s heart but, I hope, will be helpful for many situations.
ONE – There is no rule book. There is no rule book for grieving. Nor is there one for just the right way to celebrate Mother’s Day (or any other special day, for that matter.) Trust me, there has many a time I wished for a rule book. Not only am I a rule-follower but I am a rule-loving girl. Rules give me order. They establish boundaries, balance, and give me the sense of stability I can groping for on the really difficult days. But I have also learned that rules, self-imposed or not, can be the very things that not only drain my joy and energy but also simply make the day more difficult.
For several years right after Tyler died, we participated in a butterfly release organized by the local Compassionate Friends grief group I was attending. It was what “all the grieving parents” did on Mother’s Day. It was both beautiful and comforting – for awhile. For a variety of reasons, it eventually became draining but I was reluctant to stop attending. Would others think I didn’t grieve – or miss – my boy any more? So many of the other parents really looked forward to seeing all the butterflies each year. But there was (and is) no rule that butterflies (or balloons – I tried that too) had to be released in order to acknowledge my son’s love on Mother’s Day. We stopped participating. Actually, I soon stopped attending the support meetings – and that’s okay because there really are no rules.
TWO – Everyone grieves differently. And we can celebrate special days differently. Um, maybe because there are no rules. 🙂 I will admit, in the early years of grief, this one was hard for me to learn. Everyone is unique. Men and woman, of course. But also children, teenagers, siblings and friends. Everyone processes grief differently and everyone expresses grief differently. The same applies with acknowledging special days. What works for my brother (as we remember our mom) just might not be helpful for me. Or vice-versa. As a rules-follower, I can struggle with imposing “my rules” on those around me. This is not fair. Nor does it rarely work.
Take suggestions from others. Not necessarily all “the others” on social media but from trusted friends and family. But, at the end of the day, decide what works best for you and for your family. Mother’s Day, and most other special days, should bring you some joy…or, at the very least, some comfort.
THREE – This last one may just be for me…but I will include it. I cannot depend on others, or circumstances, to comfort me or to ease my grief. It is unrealistic for me to expect family, friends – or anyone else! – to know exactly what my heart needs. However, I have a Heavenly Father who does my heart. He cares for me, comforts me and is so kind. Many times throughtout the years since Tyler died, God has used someone (or several someones) to say or do just what my heart needed. In ways that I could not have pre-planned or imagined. He cares about my grief.
He cares about your grief as well. He also knows every emotion that might threaten your heart on Mother’s Day. Allow Him to work and to care tenderly for you. Make time to get alone with Him and allow Him to speak to your heart. It will give you more peace and genunine joy than any card, pretty flowers or breakfast in bed could ever do.
Perhaps Sunday is a favorite day of yours. A chance to surround yourself with those you love so much. Don’t take that for granted. Whatever your day looks like this weekend….however your heart might feel, I pray God will meet you right where you are and will send you an extra blessing on Mother’s Day. Hugs my friends –
Dear dear Jennifer,
Thank you for the repost, as I had not read it before. What a treasure of wisdom you have shared. The two points in particular that I appreciated in the reading is that there is no rule book and that people grieve differently. You are in my prayers through the remainder of this week as you are reminded of the loss of your youngest son. Sending love and prayers…and hugs.
Thank you, Dianna. I am always grateful – and blessed – when you stop by my blog!!
Oh my, Jennifer. I did not realize you had lost a son. I am sorry. I can see how this day can bring so many mixed emotions. It does for me but for different reasons. I used to love the day when our children were younger but after many situations it really is a dread and another day I have to get through. Thank you for sharing. 🙂
I too did not know you had lost your son, Tyler. Im so sorry. Gosh there are so many of us bloggers who grieve a child and Mothers day, for myself just doesn’t feel right to me. My son Michael passed 23 years ago, at age 25. I’m fine all year but when May comes, I start getting weepy. He died on May 8/ Mothers Day weekend. This year is a bit more rough for me since a month ago my precious dog was put to sleep and I didn’t think I would grieve as hard, after all she was just a dog. But here I am, in a grief that goes between the dog and then my son. Crazy thing, grief. And don’t get me started on my relationship with my mother!!!
But This too will pass – and come Monday morning I’ll feel better but for these next few days, it’s really hard. Blessings, dear lady.
Jennifer, I would expect that this particular day would be so hard on a mom who has lost a child. Or maybe even the grieving woman who has never held her own child. Likewise, once my kids grew up and got married, it’s not my favorite either, just for the simple fact that my sons now are celebrating with their own wives (and rightly so), but that sometimes leaves me feeling lonely. Then I remember how I felt as a young mom and it was hard because I wanted it to be about me, but my husband also needed to acknowledge his own mom. So I guess, basically, who the heck made up this “special” day? It wasn’t necessarily the best idea 🙂 This year I’m hosting a little brunch for my DIL’s and a few other ladies in the family on Saturday and on Sunday I will go to church with my kids and then we will all go our separate ways. I think the issue is that we have a certain vision in our heads and life just isn’t like the vision. Anyway…I pray the Lord gives you peace this Sunday and blessings in ways you never expected. 🙂
I can understand how Mother’s Day is difficult for you and as always I appreciate your poignant, thoughtful and well written thoughts. While I have not lost a child, I have not had a mother in many years and there has been a mother sized void in my life for that many years. I know you rejoice in the blessing of your living children and the knowledge that you will be reunited with Tyler one day. And then you will have all of your children and your parents as well for eternity :). Until then certain days and moments will be filled with sadness. I hope this weekend is joy filled in many ways despite the sorrow from grief that won’t go completely away on earth.
It’s always good to find out a little more about blog friends that we only know through our blogs. The loss of a child would be the hardest thing I to experience. I’m sorry. But, you are so right that there are many ways to grieve, and no ones is the same. My mother took up her residence in Heaven November 1991. Even t my age, 85, I miss my dear mom and realize just how much I am like her…and that’s good as she taught me well.
You post and your advice and thoughful words are very encouraging. Thank you
I wish I could say something to make it better, unfortunately, I am in the same boat. Some good days, some bad and some just “blah”. AND its ok. It’s a club I wish on no one, the loss of a child…its just heart breaking.
Sending you much love and hugs.
I was actually going to ask if you follow Debby (comment above) because she had lost a son, too. Yes, grief hits differently for everyone. I haven’t experienced what you have and there is absolutely nothing I can say to make it all better. Just know that on Sunday I’ll be sending you the biggest virtual hug and saying a prayer.